A nation united…. for pr0n

18 07 2010

Pakistan – whose meaning was apparently “Land of the Pure” has achieved another landmark of perfection when it has become the country from where most of the pornography related searches are originated.

This honor was not easy to achieve, because we were facing tough competition from throughout the world. But our horniness knew no limits… by diligently googling our wildest of fantasies for years, we have finally finished “First” on the podium and finally the holy word of “Pornistan” is a patented property of the country formerly known as the land of the pure.

Every day and night, hundreds and thousands of my fellow countrymen log onto the internet for one sole purpose: to google about any new pictures and videos of “interest”. The term “interest” is best described by Fox News, whose report sparked the controversy:

“Pakistan is top dog in searches per-person for "horse sex" since 2004, "donkey sex" since 2007, "rape pictures" between 2004 and 2009, "rape sex" since 2004, "child sex" between 2004 and 2007 and since 2009, "animal sex" since 2004 and "dog sex" since 2005, according to Google Trends and Google Insights, features of Google that generate data based on popular search terms.

The country also is tops — or has been No. 1 — in searches for "sex," "camel sex," "rape video," "child sex video" and some other searches that can’t be printed here.”

Although Fox News is the last news site I would believe for unbiased reporting (thanks to their glorious history of telling the truth) but one cannot deny the fact that our fellow countrymen always keep the pussy up there on the pedestal while others matters are dumped down in the drains. [as we people usually call it LPC in desi slang].

Being a devoted citizen of pornistan, i googled for the word and The Fox News was the first search result from search engine itself. So, does this mean that Fox News is better than Red Tube? oh yeah, this means it will be the topmost item on my fap list.

This recent title to the country also points to two things:

1 – Paradigm Shift:   Before pornistan, we were the nation which harbored terrorists and the greatest pastime of the people were making and blowing bombs at crowded places. So, does it mean that we have abandoned our ancestral legacy and have put down the arms? Instead of holding onto our AK-47s and Rocket launchers, we have now decided to hold onto our dicks. So, the people have finally adopted the slogan of “Make Love not War” and searching for sex is one such example of starting over. (although, the idea of making love with camels, dogs and children is not right)

2 – Our farsighted Judiciary:  Just recently the Lahore high court had ordered to ban some top most sites (including search engines) as it was cited that those websites were used to spread blasphemy. So, does this mean that our honorable judges knew that the nation was actively involved in searching for porn? hmmmmm…. it seems like one of the judges peeped into his children’s search history and he didn’t like what he saw 🙂

Anyways, its good to know that we as a nation are united in atleast one thing … that is, to be united in searching for the greatest porn resources ever existed on the internet. Although this unity not what we should be publically proud of, but as Chief Minister of Baluchistan Quoted it: “A degree is a degree, whether real or fake” , I would like to quote: “Unity is unity, whether we are united for helping our fellow countrymen or whether we are united for searching porn on the internet”.  …. and I am contributing my part in this unity. – If you know what I mean.

So, enough of this writing…. i dont want this country to lose its current ranking. I am signing off and going back to tube sites and see what lies there for me.

 

viva unity!

Pornistan Zindabad

*play the national anthem*

 

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LHC : The new hero in town

3 07 2010

Phew!
One attempt against the freedom of internet usage in Pakistan has been repelled.
A few days ago, some self-righteous asshole emerged from some self-righteous madrassah in some self-righteous village in Bahawalpur and claimed to our self-righteous Lahore High Court (LHC) that internet is *evil* and perverts use it to seek *blasphemous* content to satisfy their evil desires.
The LHC, which lies high on the pyramid of self-righteousness immediately realized an opportunity to impose its self-righteousness on the masses and issued an order to ban the most commonly used search engines and utility sites like Amazon, Google, Bing, Yahoo etc

This was however met with a stern response from the internet community who despite their differences unanimously agreed that LHC has really gone insane.
So, soon afterwards… LHC reverses its decision to impose ban on the 17 sites. Furthermore, it suggested to form a committee of Ulema (read: Mulla) who are authority in IT (and religion) to help decide the future of this decision.

So, mullas being the experts in things other than ‘istanja’ and ‘delcaring jihad on kuffaar’ ? cool i am looking forward to meet some IT mulla sometime later in … in another life time of-course.

So, Who exactly matches the profile of a technology savvy mulla?

this?

may be this one:

even if their “expertise” dont satisfy our honorable judge saab, then we can train this little fellow:

and i am positive that he will remain true to his dreadlocks and will eventually rise to become the greatest hacker ever known to mankind…. and we will even name him ‘blasphemy buster’ as he will hack through each network of blasphemy and will invoke his anti-blasphemy virus that will take care of these blasphemy spreading sites for good…. and viola! the religion is saved… and no site will ever be banned… ever!

Now, what-if the mulla ran out of halwa and decide that internet is too blasphemous to be used in this country?

“In that case our honorable judge will be pleased to announce that all the sites spreading blasphemy of any sort will be removed from an ordinary man’s access so that the pure people from the land of the pure will only have access to pure sites and pure source of knowledge that will help cultivate non-blasphemous pure thoughts.”

Since internet is an ever-growing phenomenon and i suspect that soon enough we will see that day when we will be living in a black out of knowledge (back to the stone age) – there will be no google, no yahoo, no msn, no amazon… and if we are lucky we will still have open access to gay and child pr0n sites (after all, these mullas get raunchy at times 😉 ) 

So, on one such day in the near future, I might encounter a problem which my level of experience and knowledge wouldnt be able to answer. Ideally, i would have turned to my faithful friend – Google, but it turns out google is banned. So, the only solution that would be left to us would be to go to the nearest madrassah and ask the “Aalim” saab there.

Me: “Ya Qibla Maulana sahib!,  How do I <ENTER YOUR DOMAIN SPECIFIC QUERY HERE>?”
Mulla: “First, do the wuzoo. Then get on a prayer rug and start praying…. If God is kind enough, he will send you a revelation”

and so, the pious will win…. all thanks to some retard who was enlightened enough to realize that internet actually is the creature from ‘Qayamat ki nishanian’ that used to emerge from sea and talked to people in their own language.

All that time, LHC is being nothing but a tool to be used by these self-righteous retards who perhaps heard the word ‘internet’ while he was being shagged by a dozen demons in one of his wet dreams.
Any common citizen can ask the question that why is the judiciary so mum over the shitstorm of inflation, lawlessness, corruption in the country? instead they would rather choose eliminate the threat of blasphemy and keep the masses in the stone age. great job! i laude your efforts of making lives miserable for the people of this country who are already encumbered with terrorism and inflation. I am hopeful that your efficient court will be as diligent in issuing a ban on windows operating system because some fucktard from chicha-watni thinks that the windows logo is actually the Antichrist’s symbol.