Lazy Sunday

28 02 2010

Goodness gracious, I got these two consecutive days as holidays instead of just one lousy Sunday as a holiday…. That gave me a lot of time to catch up with my sleep and to watch lots of movies. These two holidays came just in time before a very crunch week of works starts for me…. a ‘make or break’ kind of week.,.,. So, I am ready to break another critical project now 😀

I truly wish this sunday to be as lazy as I want it to be…. For all of you out there, here is a video I dedicate to all of you… a typical song you would like to hear on any lazy sunday…

 

Death Cab for Cutie, Soul Meets body:

 

Have a great day!

Advertisements




A month later…

24 02 2010

On 18th of January (a little more than a month ago), I crushed the smoldering butt of the cigarette i had just smoked and let out a think puff of smoke. I didnt know that time that this would mark the my hiatus from active smoking (passive smoking not considered) or I would have cherished every single puff from that last cigarette.

What followed afterwards was a long long struggle to justify my decision to take a break… the foremost reason was the increasing allergy attacks that were turning into shortness of breath cases, Secondly, i doubted that consuming ciggy was helping me concentrate on tougher problems, and lastly the chicks were still not attracted towards me 😦

The first day was tough, but i survived… the next three days were intense but then it was calm for around 10 days or so but the urge…. ahhh the urgeee stuck again on teh second week. sometimes i thought i should just give up the stubbornness and pick up that juicy smoke machine, but i qualified those little tests. But there was one place where i missed my cigarettes, and that was when i needed some company. those cigarettes had become a partner of my loneliness for quite some time. i had remembered the distance from one place to other not by miles but by cigarettes. For example, the distance from my house to the local grocery store was 1 cigarette, so was the time which was taken when the barber used to shave a person. Occasionally i go out and i mistakenly take steps towards ‘paan ka khoka’ but realize just in time to change my direction.

Khair, since that fateful day I have thus far remained faithful to my promise of staying away from cigarettes until me and a cigarette both decide that we should start our relationship again. It has been long and tempting few weeks but so far i have survived them, and hopefully i will survive the coming ones too.
Although I feel offended by calling myself a quitter, but when it comes to the word ‘cigarette quitter’, I can make an exception 🙂

Wish me luck!

 

Technorati Tags: ,,,





since feeling is first

20 02 2010

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don’t cry
– the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids’ flutter which says

we are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

— e. e. cummings





Ben Folds – The Luckiest

15 02 2010

Ah, nice song!

 

Lyrics:

I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I’d been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I’d be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there’s an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I’m sorry, I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest





Valentines Mubarak

14 02 2010

In other news:

Valentines day was celebrated in Pakistan with religious zeal and zest amongst a storm of bullets and bomb sharpnels. People saying Happy Valentines Day to each other more frequently than they ever say Eid Mubarak … Even Fat ugly aunties on the TV under the self-righteous impression of being ‘hot’ were wearing red, and were coated in makeup like a devourable pastry… ummm niiiiiiiceeeeee – *like*

Despite enjoying watching those hot chicks and M!LFs on TV, Val’s day is yet another day to feel like total shit because you’re single. Great job fcuking hallmark! (and cadbury and toy shops)

So, again I am gonna take it out on the poor blog of mine as it “understands” me and publishes whatever i want it to publish without any protests (Be reminded that this post is bullshit and has nothing to do with my real state of mind – as the last time i didn’t write this disclaimer i got a lot of thrashing)

I dont give a damn why and how they started this valentine’s day and choosing a naked peach bottomed boy as its mascot – Don’t know who St. Valentine was and i seriously doubt if he really wanted people to indulge in orgies in his memory!

However, from Urban Dictionary, i picked these impressive definitions of Valentines day:

A stupid f**king holiday where guys have to spend from $1,000-100,000 on their wife or girlfriend, and when single people have to endure the "hey what did you get for valentines day,or HEY OH MY GODDDDDD LOOK AT THIS BRACELET JAKE BOUGHT ME OMMGGGGGG ITS SO BEAUTIFUL NOW WHAT DID YOU GET ME AND HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND %1,000,000? OH MY GODDDD I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH.

and

a day to make lonely people depressed and loved people possessed

While I created an imaginary kissing booth where hot babes from around the globe were gathered to get their annual priceless kiss, I drowned in a sea of sadness on a lonely sunday where the only source of entertainment was from TV and a couple of movies i watched over the course of the day. Mann this is so depressing for a lonely loser like me… Damn bi+ches… they are never to be left behind… saw quite a few of them buying flowers at a rip-off price…. grrrrrr…. I wish all you chicks get preggo today and celebrate “children’s day” on Nov, 14th with you newborn… how’s that for a ‘granted’ wish, b!tch!

Tomorrow, I am lots of losers like me will be happily celebrating the “St. Skeletor’s day” by working late!

and finally, a message to the babes out there for whom I am an invisible man….

“I will make YOU love me… B!+CH…  or atleast my gun will”

Roses are Red,
Bullets are Lead.
Take me back now,
or get shot in the head!

(Again: This whole blog post is bullshit and I dont give a shit if those babes go out or stay indoors to get screwed!)

Good night!





HK-101: Slacking Techniques for Programmers

5 02 2010

HK (Haram khori) is any man’s basic right. You can’t expect someone to remain on his seat during the complete hours of his work day. He might need to stretch out or to share gossips with the coworkers (all these activities are considered slacking). You may have many reasons to slack while at work. You might not have enough work to do, or you are perhaps overworked and need a change in atmosphere. Or may be you despise your job. In either case, slacking can be considered an art that requires skills, luck as well as an attitude to do what YOU please rather than what your boss wants you to do.

Although these techniques that may sometimes pertain to programmers, but these can be generalized to a wider audience. You know better!

NOTE: The text below is just for fun. I take no responsibility in whatever the outcome of these activities may be.

Know the window closing shortcuts

We all love to use or work computers for doing things we are not allowed to do at work. Every now and then your personal or corporate email would display a popup where some friend has send you some flash game (embedded in excel or word document) or some email quiz or some interesting facts… or even pictures of lolcats, or perhaps the latest gossip from the movie world…. and its natural that we stop all our work and look at these mails on priority basis. But what we need to keep in mind is that these managers have some kind of sixth sense and they tend to know whenever the labor force is trying to have some fun. So whenever we try to enjoy our selves, an alarm sounds in the manager’s room and he strolls around to take a look. In such situations, all we need to know is what short cuts our operating system presents to hide the obvious stuff.

In windows, the most important of these keys are:

ALT + F4 (This key combination closes the active window)

ALT + TAB (This key combination toggles between active windows)

WIN + D (Minimizes any open windows and shows the desktop)

WIN + L (Locks the computer so that you can pretend that you are getting up from your seat and headed to wash room)

Usually the programmers know these shortcuts, but if you dont, learn them by heart and keep practicing.

Reading stories disguised as code

We love to read online stories. They could be news articles, stuff from wikipedia, or may be ranting from parez hilton. But the graphics on these sites may not mean much to us but they catch sudden attention of unwanted people in our rooms (read: managers). So, here is an effective technique that i have employed over the years. I copy the news article from the website and paste it in my source code editor (IDE). I usually keep a separate code file for this purpose where i paste this news story and convert it into comments (by applying /*    — */ tags).
So, your gossip story about A’s secret affair with B is now a green colored boring looking monotype text that on the first glance looks like a block of code. So you can avoid a sudden assault from your manager.

WARNING: Once you have done reading the story, remove the text. Ideally you would like to keep the text in a file that is not the part of the compile-able project, because you would certainly not like somebody in the QA or security auditor to know that why Avatar is such a good movie because your ‘code’ said so.

Keep your project in the middle of some operation

While you want to slack off by reading gossips or playing games, better keep your project in some intermediate state. I prefer to keep set a break point and run the code till it reaches there and breaks execution, so i hover my mouse over objects and their watch windows appear. I keep my IDE in that way and start reading my goodies. 😉 Once we have an intruder alert, we restore our IDE and all boss sees is serious debugging in progress.

Keep your boss engaged in discussion

Ping your boss on periodic basis by asking clever or stupid questions. Dont mind if he makes fun of you occasionally when you ask dumb questions coz from deep within you know that its you who is gonna have the final laugh (at least on a short term basis). Asking questions keep bosses under the impression that the guy is working thats why he is making things clear for himself. So before he asks you about the status, you can say something like ‘I was doing this thing but i was wondering if doing it that way is possible… blah blah blah’

Pretend to look effed up!

Look grim, grip your head and hair in fury, bring a look of concern on your face…. and stare at the screen like this. This would give the impression that the work is really kicking your butt and would ensure that that no extra tasks are assigned to you until you are finished with the current ones.

My Code is Compiling!

Perhaps this XKCD comic best describes what i intend to say:

Compile the code on your slow machine, and you get to go out for a cup of coffee for a quarter of an hour!

Learn to Say “NO”

If you got a boss like mine, he is gonna accept any ‘challenge’ and then ask his programmers to do it… hey!!! what kind of a challenge is that? huh?  that YOU accept it and ask OTHERS to do it? Anyways, its my bad luck and its me who’s gonna cope with it but you should know when to say NO. and you should say NO the way that it doesn’t sound offensive to the other parties who are requesting you to do some favor for them. Remember, “Don’t volunteer yourself for anything”

Secondly, if you cant say NO outright, be good enough in what you do so that you dont accept the tasks whose either requirements are missing or the task assigning person has asked you to provide further information later. remember, this later never comes and once you agree to do something, You Will have to do it!
So, be good enough in your things so that you punch the ambiguous documents and requirements back in the face of the person imposing his crap on you.

Decorate your cubicle with Flowcharts/Project Schedules

If you are one of the pondering types, you should decorate your cubicle with flowcharts and calendars and other important things that are related to your work. Remember, to print these things on company stationary using company printers. So you can pretend to stare at the charts while you actually ponder on how to score that hot chick that recently moved in across the street.

Skipping work for personal tasks during office hours

Make a list of all the activities that you need to do and can’t be done after office hours… you wanted to renew your driver’s license? or wanted to visit your bank for an important task? or may be an appointment with the doctor etc.
You can do these activities during office hours only. Although it can sometimes be troublesome to get permission to get these things done, but your boss is a human himself and understands that you need to finish these or else your wife will beat you up!

A word of advice is that you can schedule these trips and appointments in the second half of the day. If your work finishes at 5:00 PM, then you can schedule these appointments at 3:30 or 4:00 PM so that you get to skip half an hour earlier before the appointment… and who returns back to work after 5:00?

Initiate meeting Requests

ah yes, another one of the legitimate excuses to stay away from work. send meeting requests to business teams, other technical teams or just among your like minded slackers to meet on a ‘brainstorming’ session… and do nothing much productive in the meeting but discuss a couple of points, have tea and talk about some upcoming movie or a game of soccer. If you are forced to attend a meeting where management people are talking routine bullshit, keep a writing pad with you and practice with your doodling skills. One of my favorite activity is to draw different types of pirates, demons and devils to keep myself busy when they are discussing project’s upcoming release strategy.

Keeping your belongings on desk

So, you want to skip work without letting your peers or boss know? Keep your pen, writing pad on your seat and skip the work. If someone is looking for you, they’ll think you’re at a meeting or in the bathroom and might not check back on you again as they have more important things to do.

Keeping your computer turned on (locked)

While skipping work, dont shut down your PC. people tend to see the blinking lights on one’s computer to determine whether he is around or not. I myself see someone’s PC to do the same. just lock your terminal and keep your stuff placed randomly on the desk and disappear.

Keeping a ciggy handy

Do you smoke? If yes, then you may be luckier than others. I noticed that this trick was adapted by one of my managers from yesteryears to skip work. First of all, a cigarette will give you legitimate reason to leave your seat and go to some other special place to smoke. Where a smoker can easily find another smoker and thus starts some chitter chatter that may persist for some extra minutes. Now coming to the trick that was followed by one of my managers… That guy used to get up around 5:30 with a cigarette in his hands. This was a decoy to let his manager know that he is leaving for a smoke. Sometimes that guy would never return from this smoking trip.

Avoid Jackets/Coats:

Do not wear a jacket.  If a jacket is absolutely necessary, try to hang it at a place where it is less noticeable. Wearing a jacket gives the impression that “I am done for today and am headed for home”. The absence of a jacket relieves some of the anxiety involved in leaving work early. And yeah, keep a ‘decoy’ jacket that you can hang near your seat so that it gives a false impression that you are ‘still’ available. (Similar to keeping your belongings on the desk and keeping your computer logged on)

Time Delayed emails:

Usually the email clients we use at work (Outlook etc) have this feature to send emails at a particular time of the day. You can create an email and keep it in your client till 7:00 PM and then instruct your mail client software to send it at that time. Attaching emails (or replying to existing emails) mean that you have been doing ‘real’ work. If you have email access from remote location (e.g. from home via VPN or web access), you can send an email from home at an awkward time and keep the higher management in cc list to let them know that you have been working hard.

Maintain a positive image:

You would never want to maintain an image of a ‘slacker’ among your bosses and peers. You do your work honestly, deliver on time and keep an innocent look on your face but when the time is right, *bam* and skip the work without giving it a second thought. The more you are in good books, the less the party will think that you have skipped from work without notifying.

Miscellaneous:

Following are the one line points that may help you in achieving the slacker’s role. and some general guidelines for being the best HK around:

  • Always search for alternate escape routes.  Most buildings have multiple exit paths
  • An effective slacker always delivers on time, usually because they had it done days ago and made sure no one else was aware.
  • Always send emails when making a request to another employee
  • Never inform people that you finish things early
  • Never skip lunch or eat lunch at your desk. Infact turn off your cellphone while at lunch.
  • Keep your eyes away from the clock, it makes time move at least twice as slowly
  • Learn to crack your knuckles, neck, and back — It keeps you feeling alive
  • Keep a pack of biscuits on your desk.. and keep them away from the prying eyes and hands of your coworkers.
  • Learn to doodle – It helps you in meetings when the management is talking their routine bullshit

With this piece of advice, i wish you best of luck in your HK activities.

P.S: I am sure there are a lot more. But at this moment, i can’t remember them…. if something important comes up then i will add them as comments.