That August, This August

28 08 2010

Prologue:
August 1947: Biggest exodus of its time by the people of sub-continent after the independence. With dreams of an apparent better lives for their future generations, hordes of people emigrated from all over the colonial India to what they now call Pakistan. These people knew that they had to abandon their life savings and their homes for the sake of fulfillment of dreams that their leaders had promised them. These people were lucky enough to have their leaders on their side to guide and motivate them during this great displacement of human beings.

August 2010: Biggest displacement of the people of Pakistan since Independence in 1947.This time its a displacement from one part of the country to another part of the country. The threat this time is not that of angry mobs of other races but the raging waters of the rivers that flow through the country. This time the poor people have left their homes and belongings only to be swept away by the currents. No dreams in their eyes, only hollow hope of survival, no leader to be found to motivate them coz they are rather enjoying their vacations abroad or too busy playing politics over the dying hopes of these poor countrymen.

1 – Why O’ Why?

Now that the floods have done their damage, delving into the root causes of this massive flooding takes us nowhere. Although me and lots of others like me would say something in lines of ‘climate change’ or ‘frozen jet stream above the atmosphere’ but the illiterate masses and the ruling elite and the ever-influential mulla have found a simpler answer to this probing question and their answer is the one word that is taught to a kid in Pakistan ever since he is born…. and the word is ‘God’.

So, they say ‘God sent this flood’ and then they forget everything after saying it.

Ok, I agree with you, God sent this flood and that He does everything for a reason and that a justifiable logic exists for every action of His. Have we ever thought what was the reason for this flooding? Certainly God didnt cause this flooding because He wanted our villages to have their very own water resort eh?

This very question – once asked from the people who seem to know best (the Mulla party) – resulted in answers representing two opposite poles of logic: One group says this flooding is because of our sins and because of prolonged ignorance towards their religious and moral duties.  However, the other group is of the opinion that this is a test, and only the faithful will pass this test.

I would like to wrap up God’s logic and move on by saying that If this is a result of our sins, then we are lucky enough to be sent just a flood. we-the pakis-the scums of this human civilization have gone to such level of moral degradation that we need a far worst punishment than just flood.

2 – Our Leaders, Our Sins

Now moving on….. Thanks to a large number of news channels and their constant race to break the news first, a lot of other controversies are being brought to light and they being related to the act of utter selfishness by the “leaders” of political parties (ruling and opposing parties combined). There are numerous reports of deliberate acts of breaching of banks of rivers and canals so that water can be diverted to poor villagers’ homes so that the mansions and factories and cultivated lands of these landlords and political bigwigs can be spared (again these leaders were publically thankful to ‘God’ for not causing the damage to their personal property). These acts of selfishness were not limited to a particular area or province but were noticed throughout the country thus proving the concept that no matter if you get into a public service role, your personal interest comes first than national interest. I sometimes wonder that if there exists such a thing as God’s wrath, then these ruling elite will experience such a severe punishment that we the common people will forget our own misery. I wish… such thing existed. ah!
However our people are bigger jerks than existed anywhere. They voted to elect these people at the first place and even after being bitten times and times again, they will get bitten again. These people will forget their miseries and will again believe and cheer for the false promises that these political men will throw towards them…. and the vicious cycle will continue.

3 – A Friend in Need….
Apart from these stories, we Pakis tend to help each other in the time of need, and this behavior was observed this time as well (only not at a scale that people had expected from the fellow countrymen). Lots of local and international relief agencies are currently busy in relief activities and so is the Pakistani government (at least thats what they seem to claim). At every road we find a stall and a banner that asks the people from providing their support for the cause. However in my opinion, relief camps at every street is not a good sign at all. because:
1 – It symbolizes how much fragmented we are as a nation that we have decided to go our own way but to devise a strategy based upon consensus.
2 – The moral hazard exists about which organization or charity will provide our money to the needed people. The more the distributed ‘relief camps’ the more chances of these be used for personal gains instead of national/community benefit.
3 – Irrespective of the fact that we are sincerely trying to help our fellow countrymen, This very much signify that we have lost our faith in our government bodies or we would have rather donated to the PM relief program, haven’t we? But what i see from around here is that PM’s fund is not the ideal choice of charity. This is due to the sad truth that our government and its subsidiaries are mostly comprised of crooks who consider corruption as their inborn right and people suspect that their relief activities will end up nowhere but in their own offshore bank accounts.
Due to this distrust in others and fake belief in our own abilities, good legitimate charity organizations have felt the burnt of our distrust as well… the organizations who have all the necessary experience and motivation to help the people in need.

4 – Complications

Moving further to another section of this blog post, i am going to share my two cents on the apparent problems that have or may arise due to flood victims and relief workers. Since the victims have left their villages in search of safer grounds, they now reside at various makeshift camps without much belongings and knowledge of how to cope with this situation. Due to the unhygienic conditions and lack of available infrastructure the biggest problems faced by the victims are availability of food and healthcare services. We have already seen rising number of cholera, dysentery and skin disease patients in the camps. These diseases could result in epidemic proportions if not catered properly. In addition to this, we have also experienced brawls among the groups of victims during the distribution of rations. The animalistic instincts have started to dominate, and if the needs of these victims are not catered, the brawls would spread out in the streets as they will try to grab what they cannot obtain from the relief agencies. These needy people can easily fall victims of various terrorist recruiters who can use them for their chaotic activities.
Similar problems may face relief workers too. Although lots of us have jumped the wagon to provide relief but in reality we do not know the ABCs of relief work. The magnitude of this disaster is so huge that the faint hearted relief workers can easily lose heart and can become the part of the problem instead of being the part of the solution. We have also seen hundreds of foreign aid workers arrive in the country to help those in need. Although well experienced and equipped, they can be easily identified and targeted by the demented terror groups who would never like to miss this chance.. thus bringing more humiliation and isolation to the demented country.

Anyways, this post will keep on expanding its scope if i want to, so i would rather bring it to a halt.

Epilogue:
Somehow life will continue. Waters will recede, some of the people might return homes to pick up the threads of a suspended life, some of the people will not return. What will remain with them is the memories of what they experienced… and we collectively can make these memories either pleasant or nightmarish.

P.S: In case you want to provide support to the flood victims, act wisely. Donate to only well known international organizations. In case you are supporting any neighborhood relief agency, then please see to it that your sincere contribution doesnt fall into the wrong hands (corrupt govt officials or terrorists).
For further information you can follow the #PkFloods hash tag on twitter.

 

 

Advertisements




Liberty of the nuts

14 08 2010

Azadi: “The feeling your balls get when you take off your underwear” –Anonymous.

Today is the Yaum-e-Azadi of Pakistan. And for a nation that is no better than a bunch of nuts, 14th
of August is a remembrance for a day that occurred 63 years ago when
these nuts were suddenly liberated from the tight shackle of the
underwear of colonial rule.

This nut nation has since then taken every advantage of being wild
and free. But a nut will always remain a nut and by that i mean it will
always remain dangling down someone else’s crotch.

Today while passing in front of mazar-e-quaid, I noticed it was a
festival there…. lots of school children were seen in the green fields
of the premises reminded me of their own lack of freedom on a day that
is being celebrated in the name of freedom. Those kids were denied a
holiday and were forced to be present by their respective schools
despite the fact that this is the goddamn liberty day. Poor kids, they
think that painting their face with national colors will mean that they
are on the top of the world and perhaps yelling national slogans on the
top of their voice still means that they have become invincible, but a
harsher reality awaits and this reality will reveal itself as you grow
up then you will realize that despite being born ‘free’, how much
imprisoned you are.

When I was a kid, we were kept under the delusion that our
forefathers were superheroes who fought hard under the dynamic
leadership of the greatest-leader-ever. However no one ever bothered to
tell us where did this ‘two-nation-theory’ (the very essence of
Pakistan’s existence) go wrong.

I simply have no other comment on this day but i will let them enjoy their nut-liberty for there aren’t much left for them.

Related Piece of Writings you might be interested in:

Pity the nation: http://burhanahmad.wordpress.com/2009/08/13/pity-the-nation/

Dear Mr. Jinnah: http://burhanahmad.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/dear-mr-jinnah/

In the end, A greeting from our sponsors:

Sailab, Mehngai, Target Killing, Ghurbat, Bomb Blasts, Military
Operations, Load Shedding aur Terrorist Activities se bach jane walay
bhookay nangay sisakte Pakistanion ko Lado Marka Sabun ki taraf se Jashn-e-Azadi Mubarak….





Reflections

7 08 2010

and with that the clock turned to a new day. Another weekend coming up, another night for me to stay awake for a little more and a perfect night for me to spend quality time with my own self. As it grew quite and dark, my conscience took over and thus began a quiet moment of pondering over the source code of my own life- the code that has been patched and executed for almost three decades.

Result of this ‘code-review’ activity? — I dont need a patch anymore. My life need a major fucking upgrade.

But wait, Didn’t i recently change my job? Yes, but its not about the job. Its about life in general….ummm…

Today, I stand in the middle of a dusty road. The road which i have trodden since i dont know when. I feel the burden of age over my shoulders. The burden that i have to carry till i die. With a blurry past, and unforeseeable future, i am hanging onto life – though admitting my shortcomings but never wanting to change what is wrong with me.

Just then, something inside of me laughs at me and asks: "where did it go wrong?"

sigh, its all so wrong that it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. I have lowered this bar and made the wrongs of my life as the new right to get a temporary self-assurance that i am still on the right track. But this again shall come to pass and i will again forget these occasional poking of my conscience as my work and depressing news on TV will divert my attention towards more short-term goals.

Then suddenly, One day i’m gonna wake up to realize that i have turned 50. Life as i knew it has already been a thing of past and these pangs of guilt will be my mate for evermore.
If you keep on hanging onto the thread just because you are waiting for the "right time", then i am afraid you will keep on hanging as "right time" is a relative term.

So, in short. whatever our excuse is, be it economy, health, security, or laziness… this excuse better justify our lack of action or we will eventually end up in the same rat race that millions of people around us are engaged into (these people around us are probably the reason behind us being so indecisive).

I would like to conclude with the statement that our destiny lies nowhere, but in our own actions.

and when all else fails, the greatest way to change your destiny is to dream (if you are still lucky enough to have them)

Call this gibberish reflections or the truth of life, you are not likely to understand these. because this crap makes sense only when it is coming out of your own head. and the older you get, the harsher the truth (of life) is.

Damn, and i miss my cigarettes today





Fresh out of a secret lab, I give you…..

5 08 2010

This post is inspired from a question somebody asked on twitter. I am not sure what were the exact wording of that question but it goes like: “Why have Pakistan named its missiles after the names of invaders. e.g. ‘Abdali’, ‘Ghouri’, ‘Babar’ etc…? Don’t they have their own heroes to name their WMDs after?”

Well, very intelligent question. A question that kept my mind spinning for quite some time and still i couldn’t think of anything that justifies this absurd naming convention used by our military top brass.Thus started the evil imagination factory in my head that produced the output which you are about to read. I apologize in advance if you are a fan of any of these “technologies” but this is a work of fiction and any co-incidence is just you and your stupid mind trying to correlate things 😀

What if I was heading a team of awesome rocket scientists in some hidden lab somewhere in Pakistan? (Pakistan and awesome rocket scientists??? ha-ha, you got to be kidding me, right?) then what would i have created and what would i have named them?

1 – A2Z Missile:
Unfortunately, due to apparent threats of being put behind bars for being a disgrace to his royal highness, i cannot say what A2Z mean. but its the Alpha n Omega of Pakistan as i type these lines. This missile is the flagship product of our missile lot and is routinely sent to air to test its flying abilities. Based upon the heat-seeking missile technology, the great aspect of this missile is that it goes after $$$. you throw a few bucks into the air and this missile will automatically swoosh into action and will seek them till it “gets” the target. With a massive 100% strike rate, this weapon is good for destroying not the physical infrastructure but the economic infrastructure of your enemy. Another great feature of this missile is its ability to camouflage itself. We added this feature after mutual discussion with our team who have used Nokia Phones for years and think that changing colorful skins on Nokia Phones is the greatest feature ever! so A2Z missile can change its skin. you can put on a coat-pant skin, you can put on a shalwar-kameez skin, you can put also use additional add-ons like sindhi topi, pagri, sherwani, rayban, gucci etc.
Due to its awesome strike rate, the enemies have started calling it ‘Kutta Missile’. (our intelligence boys are still trying to obtain information on why enemies call it kutta missile, we will keep you posted as we have any updates).

All in all, this indeed is a great piece of weaponry. We have used it on our selves, and are more than willing to use it on any other hostile nation.

2 – OBL Missile:
Named after a true Pakistani hero – Peer Ghayab hazrat 0sawa b!n Laden. This missile is based upon the stealth technology. We have developed it, and developed it with such a perfection that…. even our whole team doesn’t know where we put it. It has gone as if it never existed. Only blurred memories of its conception and occasional news of its recent strike remind us that we created it. Even though, we don’t know where it is, we still proudly call it as one of our creation and an integral part of our missile arsenal.

3- Mushi Missile:
The slogan of this missile is “Sab se Pehlay Pakistan” (Pakistan first) . As the name suggests, as we fire this baby into the air, the missile attacks Pakistan first. The primary targets of this missiles are mullas and ninja chicks. This missile can be remote controlled from places as far as Washington.

4 – Mehsud Missile:
The Mehsud missiles is actually a suite of missiles. They come in two flavors – B and H. Flavor ‘B’ is now obsolete version and is no longer in use. However, since ‘B’ . has been to such a service for this country, we cannot ignore it in our discussion. ‘B’ was one of the mightiest one in its time. Though a short range missile, it caused massive destruction wherever it struck. However it required regular body polishing and fin-massage and this was the reason enemies were able to strike it during mission and hence it was discontinued.
Flavor ‘H’ of Mehsud missiles is currently in production. It has all the positive features of ‘B’ version (i.e. short range, devastative) minus the polishing and massage requirements. Another great feature of this baby is that the missile sends such clues to the hostile forces that they remain under the suspicion that they have struck the missile during its mission – while in reality, the missile is just playing a dirty joke with them. Soon it gets out of hiding and ….bang!

5 – Sultan-Rahi Missile:
Perhaps the only All-Pakistani homemade missile. This missile can survive an onslaught of anti-missile weaponry for a perpetual period of time. You can invoke this missile just by a yell and it will cross all boundaries of speed (even the speed of light constant is a smaller scale of measuring its speed). You cannot lure it with sights of pretty female missiles or dancing booties. The howling voice of this weapon is so horrible that huge armies of enemies have peed their pants just listening to the sound of its approach.

 

That was just a brief feature-list of missiles produced in our secret underground labs. We will keep you posted on any new weapon that we create in the future.

As for the answer to the original question is concerned (see first line of blog post), i think we named our missiles after foreign invaders because we want our missiles to do the same what the invaders did to this land i.e. spread havoc and destruction.





A nation united…. for pr0n

18 07 2010

Pakistan – whose meaning was apparently “Land of the Pure” has achieved another landmark of perfection when it has become the country from where most of the pornography related searches are originated.

This honor was not easy to achieve, because we were facing tough competition from throughout the world. But our horniness knew no limits… by diligently googling our wildest of fantasies for years, we have finally finished “First” on the podium and finally the holy word of “Pornistan” is a patented property of the country formerly known as the land of the pure.

Every day and night, hundreds and thousands of my fellow countrymen log onto the internet for one sole purpose: to google about any new pictures and videos of “interest”. The term “interest” is best described by Fox News, whose report sparked the controversy:

“Pakistan is top dog in searches per-person for "horse sex" since 2004, "donkey sex" since 2007, "rape pictures" between 2004 and 2009, "rape sex" since 2004, "child sex" between 2004 and 2007 and since 2009, "animal sex" since 2004 and "dog sex" since 2005, according to Google Trends and Google Insights, features of Google that generate data based on popular search terms.

The country also is tops — or has been No. 1 — in searches for "sex," "camel sex," "rape video," "child sex video" and some other searches that can’t be printed here.”

Although Fox News is the last news site I would believe for unbiased reporting (thanks to their glorious history of telling the truth) but one cannot deny the fact that our fellow countrymen always keep the pussy up there on the pedestal while others matters are dumped down in the drains. [as we people usually call it LPC in desi slang].

Being a devoted citizen of pornistan, i googled for the word and The Fox News was the first search result from search engine itself. So, does this mean that Fox News is better than Red Tube? oh yeah, this means it will be the topmost item on my fap list.

This recent title to the country also points to two things:

1 – Paradigm Shift:   Before pornistan, we were the nation which harbored terrorists and the greatest pastime of the people were making and blowing bombs at crowded places. So, does it mean that we have abandoned our ancestral legacy and have put down the arms? Instead of holding onto our AK-47s and Rocket launchers, we have now decided to hold onto our dicks. So, the people have finally adopted the slogan of “Make Love not War” and searching for sex is one such example of starting over. (although, the idea of making love with camels, dogs and children is not right)

2 – Our farsighted Judiciary:  Just recently the Lahore high court had ordered to ban some top most sites (including search engines) as it was cited that those websites were used to spread blasphemy. So, does this mean that our honorable judges knew that the nation was actively involved in searching for porn? hmmmmm…. it seems like one of the judges peeped into his children’s search history and he didn’t like what he saw 🙂

Anyways, its good to know that we as a nation are united in atleast one thing … that is, to be united in searching for the greatest porn resources ever existed on the internet. Although this unity not what we should be publically proud of, but as Chief Minister of Baluchistan Quoted it: “A degree is a degree, whether real or fake” , I would like to quote: “Unity is unity, whether we are united for helping our fellow countrymen or whether we are united for searching porn on the internet”.  …. and I am contributing my part in this unity. – If you know what I mean.

So, enough of this writing…. i dont want this country to lose its current ranking. I am signing off and going back to tube sites and see what lies there for me.

 

viva unity!

Pornistan Zindabad

*play the national anthem*

 





LHC : The new hero in town

3 07 2010

Phew!
One attempt against the freedom of internet usage in Pakistan has been repelled.
A few days ago, some self-righteous asshole emerged from some self-righteous madrassah in some self-righteous village in Bahawalpur and claimed to our self-righteous Lahore High Court (LHC) that internet is *evil* and perverts use it to seek *blasphemous* content to satisfy their evil desires.
The LHC, which lies high on the pyramid of self-righteousness immediately realized an opportunity to impose its self-righteousness on the masses and issued an order to ban the most commonly used search engines and utility sites like Amazon, Google, Bing, Yahoo etc

This was however met with a stern response from the internet community who despite their differences unanimously agreed that LHC has really gone insane.
So, soon afterwards… LHC reverses its decision to impose ban on the 17 sites. Furthermore, it suggested to form a committee of Ulema (read: Mulla) who are authority in IT (and religion) to help decide the future of this decision.

So, mullas being the experts in things other than ‘istanja’ and ‘delcaring jihad on kuffaar’ ? cool i am looking forward to meet some IT mulla sometime later in … in another life time of-course.

So, Who exactly matches the profile of a technology savvy mulla?

this?

may be this one:

even if their “expertise” dont satisfy our honorable judge saab, then we can train this little fellow:

and i am positive that he will remain true to his dreadlocks and will eventually rise to become the greatest hacker ever known to mankind…. and we will even name him ‘blasphemy buster’ as he will hack through each network of blasphemy and will invoke his anti-blasphemy virus that will take care of these blasphemy spreading sites for good…. and viola! the religion is saved… and no site will ever be banned… ever!

Now, what-if the mulla ran out of halwa and decide that internet is too blasphemous to be used in this country?

“In that case our honorable judge will be pleased to announce that all the sites spreading blasphemy of any sort will be removed from an ordinary man’s access so that the pure people from the land of the pure will only have access to pure sites and pure source of knowledge that will help cultivate non-blasphemous pure thoughts.”

Since internet is an ever-growing phenomenon and i suspect that soon enough we will see that day when we will be living in a black out of knowledge (back to the stone age) – there will be no google, no yahoo, no msn, no amazon… and if we are lucky we will still have open access to gay and child pr0n sites (after all, these mullas get raunchy at times 😉 ) 

So, on one such day in the near future, I might encounter a problem which my level of experience and knowledge wouldnt be able to answer. Ideally, i would have turned to my faithful friend – Google, but it turns out google is banned. So, the only solution that would be left to us would be to go to the nearest madrassah and ask the “Aalim” saab there.

Me: “Ya Qibla Maulana sahib!,  How do I <ENTER YOUR DOMAIN SPECIFIC QUERY HERE>?”
Mulla: “First, do the wuzoo. Then get on a prayer rug and start praying…. If God is kind enough, he will send you a revelation”

and so, the pious will win…. all thanks to some retard who was enlightened enough to realize that internet actually is the creature from ‘Qayamat ki nishanian’ that used to emerge from sea and talked to people in their own language.

All that time, LHC is being nothing but a tool to be used by these self-righteous retards who perhaps heard the word ‘internet’ while he was being shagged by a dozen demons in one of his wet dreams.
Any common citizen can ask the question that why is the judiciary so mum over the shitstorm of inflation, lawlessness, corruption in the country? instead they would rather choose eliminate the threat of blasphemy and keep the masses in the stone age. great job! i laude your efforts of making lives miserable for the people of this country who are already encumbered with terrorism and inflation. I am hopeful that your efficient court will be as diligent in issuing a ban on windows operating system because some fucktard from chicha-watni thinks that the windows logo is actually the Antichrist’s symbol.





20th May: Identify the Retards Day.

18 05 2010

Besides being certified Terrorists, We – These Muslims – are truly one of the biggest douchebags and hypocrite people on the face of this planet… and Pakistanis are the jewel of this crown.

If you are a muslim, and a Pakistani, you will be getting those massively-forwarded chain emails about boycotting 20th of May as the day will be celebrated as the “Draw Prophet Muhammad Day”.

First, let me set the record straight by writing my ‘official’ statement:
I myself feel disgusted by the concept of this day. In my opinion, such an action is a deliberate act to defame a religion which already is feeling the burnt of worldwide criticism. but we brought this to ourselves and this is just the reaction to our past actions that is being blessed on us – Karma is the right word.

So, as I was saying that those chain mails are urging this lazy nation to boycott facebook on 20th of May as if it will be swarmed by orcs that will feast on the flesh of any mortal that wanders in the hallways of facebook.

So, they want us to boycott facebook… right, ok!

oh wait… WHAT??? DID SOMEBODY SAY FACEBOOK??

ARE YOU FCUKING KIDDING ME? BOYCOTT FACEBOOK? DO YOU EVER HAVE THE SLIGHTEST OF IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE JUST SAID IN THAT LOUSY EMAIL OF YOURS?

With all these emails spawning from each others and all these facebook status(es) and pages growing like mushrooms, i am getting worried that all of this pathetic nation will be shutting down routine business on facebook which might cause serious panic among the sysadmins of facebook and would cause severe financial loss to the online empire… hence causing it to go bankrupt and eventually shut down…… Victory for the pious, isn’t it?

Another thought that really scares the living hell out of me is that almost nine months later (around 20th Feb, 2011 plus/minus one week) lots of hospitals will be getting exceptionally high ratio of female patients ready to give birth… all thanks to one free day that people got from facebook.

But i believe that this event is a global event, so why facebook is getting the burnt of your ‘emotions’ ? what if people draw their versions of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and upload it via twitter? so are you gonna boycott it too? but since its a global event, what else would you boycott? the whole internet, your work, TV, radio, …. the life itself?
Why dont you all folks go to some main road or a ground and setup a protest sit-up. may be frog jump to the next destination so that the world sees how determined you are in boycotting facebook… and when you think you are doing good, you can proceed with burning tyres on the road, burning a few passenger buses… and perhaps any major market as well. Its all the part of the package, isn’t it? 

So, it seems like facebook is gonna be a lonely place on 20th of May coz all of you f**ktards wont be around… ‘boycotting’ an essential part of your miserable lives… eh??? heyyyy!!! just wondering, who will feed your lousy pigs on farmville? and who is gonna be the superhero to kill all these gangstas on Mafia Wars?

As a second thought, whether it is draw Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) day or not, do yourself a favor and take a day off from facebook and see what the life has to offer you. Think with a cool head and start accepting the reality instead of participating in useless boycotts which would only result in your own loss.