DIY – Slaughter your goat

19 11 2010

The following post is an act of satire. No goat was ever harmed by the mentioned way. (at least by the author). Unless you are a pro, do not try this at home.

Butchers are a rare commodity during the Eid ul Adha days. How many times have we been scammed and turned down by butchers (or cobblers, barbers, gardeners)? I am sure, most of us get screwed every year. Doesn’t that make you feel angry? don’t you want to remove the dependency of the butcher when you want to slaughter your cattle?
So, today let the joker inside of me present to you a slaughter method which removes your dependency on the butcher, in fact the method is so kick-ass that if performed with perfection, you will get your meat in your desired format i.e. meaty chunks, qeema, siri, paya etc. in no time at all. and above all, it is totally traditional (read: Pakistani).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: “The Jehadi’s way of slaughtering your kettle”. Here are the steps you need to perform to get your kettle slaughtered and meat done in no time.

  1. Go to your local cattle farm or livestock market.
  2. Choose your goat of choice.
  3. Negotiate the price with the seller. If the seller doesn’t want to ‘donate’ you the goat in the name of God, kill him. God wills it.
  4. Load the kettle in a loading truck. This shouldn’t be the truck you use in your ‘routine’ operations as goats may trigger any hidden switch and could take you to your 72 sooner than you had imagined.
  5. on your way way back, grab a few suicide vests loaded with the latest ball bearings, nails, inflammable powder etc (the choice of filling depends upon how you want your meat served, minced, chunks or roasted)

    Protip: Suicide vests can be obtained easily throughout Pakistan. Just consult your neighbor mulla. you can also have it custom built depending upon your preferences.

  6. On the day of action, get into your best clothes. call a few fellow like-minded people over. dont forget a professional cameraman.
  7. Attach the vest with the goat. Make sure all wiring is attached perfectly. you don’t want to disappoint the goat and your fellow companions who are desperately waiting to devour the meat.
  8. Recite your dua’s of slaughter, and press the button.. (dont forget to get into a safer place prior to that).
  9. Here you go, your goat is slaughtered, and meat ready as you liked it! Ask your friends to collect the scattered meat and gather it for future use.

Optional step: Once you are done eating your stuff, yell out loud: “Hell Yeah MotherF***ers! on your face you nasty butchers, I am more bad-ass than all of you combined”.

Share the video with friends and spread the word.



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